Last week my dear and loyal friend Camille gave me two
unexpected gifts. The first was an investment in this World Trade Center stair
climb enterprise I’ve recently embarked upon. (Note: I really dislike the term “donation”.
It sets up an ill hierarchy between the
donor and donee. It also sidesteps the larger societal issue of injustice and
inequality that gives rise to such great need in the first place.) The second
was a book entitled The War of Art by
Stephen Pressfield, who is perhaps best known for authoring The Legend of Bagger Vance, which I’ve still yet to see in part
because in the trailers Will Smith’s character looked like another magical
negro, and I don’t go for that. In any
event, I want to say I’d heard of The War
of Art before and probably have since it came out in 2002 and back then—unemployed
aspiring writer that I was—I spent several hours a day in the assorted Barnes
and Noble book stores scattered across Manhattan. Chances are I dismissed the
book 1) because it had the scent of self-help and I couldn’t admit that I
needed help of any kind, 2) because I aspired to
write SERIOUS LITERATURE and didn’t see the value in reading anything that didn’t
fit that mold.
My how times have changed ...
Rather than run out and buy the paperback version of The War of Art which is what I normally
do when someone I trust makes a recommendation, I opened an Audible account and
downloaded the audio book. This, too, would have never happened in my previous
life since I also spent the my youth thinking audio books were low brow and
that the only true way to declare one’s seriousness as a reader to the world was
by turning (and marking) the pages of an actual book, preferably paperback since
those were far more pliant and could usually fold into a back pocket. Now that
I’m entrenched in suburban life and spend upwards of a 90 minutes behind a
wheel each day I’ve had to rethink my hardline position on the audio book. Not
every book needs to be read in order
to be read.
I started the book while mowing the lawn. I figured it would be a nice background companion. Then Chapter 2 hit me with a stiff jab to the chin. Titled “Resistance— Defining the Enemy,” Pressfield lists the
various conditions—Resistance’s “Greatest Hits” he calls them—that summon the
enemy within into our lives. As I listened, I mentally checked off the boxes.
By the time he was finished it occurred to me that at that moment (which is also this moment) I was facing not one, not
two, not even three, but four life conditions that typically give rise to
resistance, at least as defined by Pressfield.
1.
The launching of any venture of enterprise for
profit or otherwise
a.
I’d just launched the stair climb fundraiser
with an ambitious goal
2.
Any diet or health regiment
a.
I was training for the climb myself.
3.
Any act of political, ethical or moral courage
including the decision for the better to change some pattern of conduct or
thought in ourselves
a.
My native predisposition is doubt and distrust.
In some ways it’s made me who I am. I don’t like relying on others. I prefer get
it done myself. But in order to be successful as an organizational leader I have
to learn to empower and trust others. This, I have come to realize in the past
year, isn’t easy for me.
4.
The undertaking of any enterprise or endeavor
whose aim is to help others.
a.
It is called the “Climb 4 Kids”
Once I had them down on a napkin, the first thing I asked
myself why I was such a masochist. Why on earth would I summon so much
resistance into my life at once? What
was I trying to prove? But then I asked myself what my greatest fear was. I
knew the answer before I finished the sentence. I’d had nightmares about it
already. No one shows up, I’m completely embarrassed and we lose a lot of money.
Those are my biggest fears, the sources of my anxiety and stress. I lay awake
at night thinking the worst is going to happen. It’s how I manage my expectations,
keep from being disappointed, maintain a sense of order and control. It’s also
what’s limited my success up to this point. Managing my expectations may have protected me from a cataclysmic psychic
disaster, but it may have also prevented me from achieving the bigger dreams
and goals that, in my heart, I long for.
I digested The War of Art in a single marathon listening session. My main takeaway: If there’s any good reason to take on a big task then it’s
because it is terrifying and will invoke resistance and will demand that you dig within while reaching outward. A year ago I decided to put my writing career on
pause and take on an Executive Director role for what was essentially a startup
nonprofit. I’d never been an ED before. Heck, I’d purposefully avoided any job
titles/responsibilities that would
interfere with my writing. I went after this job because I got tired of writing
about other people who’d taken big risks and were making a difference. I wanted
that for myself. I wanted to feel
overwhelmed, over my head, out of my element. I haven’t been disappointed. But this fundraiser scares me in a way I
haven’t experienced before. The task
ahead feels so big and unmanageable. I know it’s partly because I’ve never done
it before and partly because I have to have faith in the process and people,
some of whom I’ve yet to even meet. My biggest
challenge is going to be fully experiencing the process, meaning getting so
caught up that I miss the wonderful signs of encouragement and inspiration in
the midst of all of the doubt and uncertainty. Camille’s recommendation was one
of those signs. If I’d ignored her and allowed myself to wallow in the doubt, I
would’ve picked up The War of Art. I would’ve
read chapter 2. Wouldn’t have acquired a language with which to label the
enemies within. Wouldn’t have been
reminded that I chose this path because I want to discover who I am and what I
am a capable of. Beyond that, it’s a chance to ask for and receive help, which
is always hard for me. My challenge for
today and every day forward is to hold on to that goodness, that poise, to not
flinch or lose faith, to duel with resistance, to stay the course.
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